Mass Havoc Ensues
by SoSaysL
Summary: Gilgamesh buys a grand yacht, cleverly annoys people, takes over the world, and generally gets everything he wants...except Saber. Oneshot. Set after Fate/Zero. [Twelve Shots of Summer: Second Raid]


Written for Week 4 of the Twelve Shots of Summer alternate prompt: Stranger in a Foreign Land. Which Gil certainly is, being thousands of years away from his homeland, but it's not as if _that's_ going to stop him from doing what he wants, is it?

Repost: fixed a minor error!

Warning: there is quite a bit of mood whiplash here. We go abruptly from serious musings to lighthearted comedy to vaguely horrific and then right back. After all, this guy wants mainly to troll people, marry Saber, and conquer the world, so such is the nature of Gil's shenanigans.

* * *

 ** _Mass Havoc Ensues_**

 _game: start_

Amid the blackened land of ash and flame, two figures stand. Around the shoulders of one, a russet red cloak: about the neck of the other, a tarnished gold cross. The sky is dark with ash and despair, and the ground burns blood red.

They watch the destruction awhile, and finally one of them speaks, drawing the cloak about his shoulders.

"Ask, and you shall receive. For what other man could possibly conceive of a wish so perfectly granted by the Holy Grail?"

* * *

It is only after he returns to the church - somehow outside the radius of the destruction, but only just - that Kirei allows himself to think about what this means. He had always despised himself for his deepest secrets, and never had he imagined succumbing to them so entirely. He shows his visitor into the church, in a display of hospitality - not that there is need for such formalities between them, but because he needs to leave the side of the golden king to listen to himself think.

And so he steps outside to gaze up at the smoke, for there are no longer stars, and sits there until morning.

* * *

 ** _objective a: annoy Kirei_**

"Kirei?" The Babylonian king is lounging on his couch. "Did you by any chance go to bartending school? Hm, no, don't answer that." A pause. And then Kirei notices the empty wine glass in his hand, and the numerous wine bottles stacked neatly on the table near the couch.

The priest's gaze sharpens, but his face is as expressionless as always. "Wine? Where did you get that? Don't tell me-"

"It's a pity, really," Gilgamesh continues shamelessly, "that you as an institution have such _little_ to offer your guests."

"-that you finished it all?" Kirei finishes, firmly disapproving of these antics. "I invite you into my house and you manage to finish _all_ the wine in one night?"

"Rather poor quality," Gilgamesh adds lazily, syllables drawn out. And, Kirei notices, despite the fact that he is a wine-guzzling machine, the man only seems to be _slightly_ intoxicated. "There wasn't even any vodka. If you ask me, you should feel grateful that I thought _any_ of this was worthy of my consumption. As a king, I only demand the finest. _This_ time, though, I'll let it slip, because you were clearly unprepared."

"Gilgamesh," Kirei says, "you know I am indebted to you, but please try to limit your wine intake, if only for your own health."

"My health?" Gilgamesh raises an eyebrow, thoroughly unimpressed, and Kirei wonders just how he had dealt with living under the same roof as this Servant for so long already. " _My_ health? We are both cognizant of the fact that I am the ancient Babylonian king with an existence infinitely more glorious than anyone on this earth, and _you_ presume to worry after _my_ health? There are far better and more productive things to worry about. For instance, we could discuss some travel plans."

"Travel plans?" Kirei repeats. " _Travel plans_?"

"I do have to take a tour of my new domain, after all." Gilgamesh stretches, faintly smiling. "Get an inventory check of how it's been doing in my absence."

"You could not possibly gather the financing necessary-"

"Please," Gilgamesh interrupts, waving his hand. "Finances and money? Pah! What need have we of that? They are all low-lifes who could not deny their king _anything_ , even if they wished it. Anyway. Onto travel plans-"

"Gilgamesh," Kirei says firmly, "you are free to go, but I have a duty as the priest of this church-"

And abruptly the expression of the ancient king changes, his mouth twisting upwards in an expression of gleeful amusement. "I should have expected this much of you, Kirei!" he cries gaily, "just because you've accepted the never-ending torment of your soul doesn't mean you don _'t_ still have a duty to fulfill!" For some reason, he seems to think this hilarious; Kirei watches, stone-faced. "Anyway," continues the golden king, still chuckling, "I think we'll have a great deal of fun, don't you?"

"As much as I appreciate your company," Kirei says, "I would not call this _fun-_ "

"More wine!" Gigamesh calls over him, clapping his hands cheerily. "Back to the important things! Kirei, find me-"

"I am NOT finding you any alcoholic drinks at this hour in the morning!" Kirei growls, just a bit too loudly.

"Okay," Gilgamesh says mildly. "That's fine."

Kirei gives him an odd look, but that is the end of the conversation.

"I'm going to take a walk," he announces aloud, rubbing his temple.

* * *

Gilgamesh is in an unusually good mood, Kirei notes next week. Whistling some song under his breath, drumming his fingers on the table expectantly, indulging himself in secret smiles when he thinks Kirei isn't looking.

"What's this?" Kirei says, opening the door to find a package that is, quite frankly, enormous. He didn't remember making any order for delivery lately, but the package is hardly a trifle; it comes up to his waist and he doubts his arm would reach across the breadth of it.

"Let me handle that," comes Gilgamesh's voice from behind him, and the golden king darts out from behind Kirei to examine the large package. Kirei stares at him suspiciously.

"What _is_ that?"

"Provisions to put on my yacht until I get to a better supply," Gilgamesh shrugs, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "I did tell you I was planning to tour the world, after all, and that calls for a healthy supply of wine from the finest wineries in the world. I don't think Saber would be particularly happy if I didn't manage to secure a sizable territory for us to rule over _and_ if we were left drinking boring drinks like water all day."

"I understand you think you can do anything," Kirei says slowly, ignoring the mention of Saber, "but you don't have a yacht, and I am almost certain there is no wine in that package."

Gilgamesh smiles, thoroughly delighted, as if he is a little child. "Wanna bet?"

As Kirei's face morphs from shock to furious understanding, he can only think of how stupid he had been to leave his credit card where Gilgamesh could find it.

After that day, Gilgamesh is not only a shameless freeloader, but also keeps using Kirei's credit card to order various luxury items, from wines to fancy soaps to designer shirts, which Kirei only discovers once the packages are at the door. Kirei reminds him that spending the Tohsaka family riches on silly things is _not_ a good idea, but Gilgamesh merely grins and says, "What's yours is mine."

And so most of the Tohsaka money - which Kirei was supposed to manage as Rin's guardian - ends up spent on Gilgamesh's frivolities. Which, Kirei supposes, is not too much of a bad use after all.

* * *

 ** _objective b: babysit small children_**

One of the days that Kirei has embarked on a solitary nature walk, Gilgamesh hears a banging on the door. He stretches, prepared to ignore the unwelcome noise until it goes away. At first it comes in intervals, and then in sweeping staccato slams, and then ceases to bear any kind of pattern, as if someone were clobbering the door with a hammer. He listens until he can't anymore, and with a sudden jolt he plants both of his feet firmly on the ground and rises so fast that his head spins.

"Unforgivable," he mutters under his breath as he strides through the main entryway of the church, his footsteps echoing. Finally he reaches the front door, ready to beat any intruders into submission and away from his vital relaxation time.

He finds two small girls on the doorstep. The one with dark pigtails is indeed, holding a hammer.

"I..." she takes a deep breath upon seeing a tall, strange man with a golden complexion and demon-red eyes. "I need a signature from my parent or guardian," she manages. "Can you find the priest?"

"How _dare_ you speak to me," Gilgamesh sighs, casting his eyes at the ceiling in an elegant expression of contempt. But in the time it has taken him to sigh and close the door, both of the children have rushed past him and into the church. "Unruly mongrels!" Gilgamesh barks. "Leave immediately!"

"What's...what's a mongrel?" The purple-haired one asks, blinking at him from behind a column.

"The mongrel is _you_ ," Gilgamesh says bluntly, fixing her with a furious glare. "And I don't want mongrels here."

"No," the other one shouts. Her voice is from further away, and Gilgamesh curses inwardly. "Not until you find the priest! I need his signature! You know, for a school field trip!"

"What's your name?" The purple-haired girl asks, rocking back and forth.

"I am your _king!"_ His voice booms out over the pews of the church, powerful and menacing, and as its echoes fade he wonders just how low he has sunk, attempting to prove his kingship to two little girls who clearly didn't believe it anyway. That didn't matter - they would come to terms with reality once he took over the world. "The king of everything that has ever existed, for I built the very foundation upon which your society rests."

"That's all very nice," says pigtail girl, her tinny voice coming from even farther away down the pews. He can barely spot her red sweater from where she stands. "Where's Kirei? He's supposed to be my guardian, after all."

Gilgamesh contemplates summoning the Gate of Babylon and skewering them both with two spears through the heart, but he doubts Kirei would be pleased with having to clean up all that blood from the floor.

"You didn't tell us your name," wheedles purple-hair girl.

"My name does not concern you," Gilgamesh says, voice sharp and commanding. "I am the one true king, the only king who ever existed. I have conquered and destroyed worlds you have never dreamed of, built and crushed empires at my whim."

"Oh," says pigtail girl, her tinny voice even farther away now. "So why are you hiding out in the middle of nowhere?"

* * *

And that is how Gilgamesh finds himself sitting across from two little girls in Kirei's basement, making sure that they understand the gravity of who he is. Given his enormous generosity and benevolence, he will correct their ignorance. He explains it to them: he is a king and everyone else is a mongrel. Except maybe his best friend and wife, who are only semi-mongrels.

Pigtail girl is particularly fond of the insult _mongrel_ \- she laughs and claps her hands and tells him that she'll go around calling people mongrels from now on.

Gilgamesh reminds her that she's a mongrel too, but she says that nobody has to know that.

"Oh," says the other girl shyly, her eyes wide with surprise. "You have a wife?"

Kind of, he shrugs, but a proud smile dances across his face as he talks. She's like a beautiful, devastating force of nature, he tells them. She chases a dream that never existed, but in her pursuit she leaves only rubble behind. Everything in her path gets destroyed.

"Kind of," the little girl repeats. "Huh. You're kind of weird. I don't think I want to marry someone who's like a storm."

Luckily for them, Gilgamesh decides to find that extremely funny instead of treason punishable by death. He hates to admit it, but listening to them is more entertaining than drinking wine and lounging on a couch. That, or Kirei is just incredibly boring.

"You know what, little mongrels?" he says, considering them with a condescending shrug. "I'll tell you a secret. Just fake the signature and go on home, because no one will notice or care."

"I like you," pigtail girl says, with the air of one passing judgement, and whips out the piece of paper to grin at it victoriously. "You're the first adult who told me to break the rules."

"Oh," Gilgamesh says, chuckling. "Breaking the rules? That's one of the finest pleasures life has to offer."

* * *

"Kirei?" Rin asks. As her legal guardian, he's obliged to check on her every once in a while, but Kirei doesn't find this a particularly pressing responsibility. She's a resourceful child: she manages to look after herself well enough.

"Yes, Rin?"

"Will you come to Parent's Day this year? I mean, there's going to be lots of nice food, like cake and sweets-"

"Sorry, Rin," he says. "I don't think I'll be able to come."

The little girl looks down, her lips pressed together. "I really don't want to be alone this year," she says, her voice nearly inaudible. "It's tough, ever since dad died-"

 _Ever since I killed your father,_ Kirei thinks, fingering the gold cross around his neck, but his face is blank and his eyes are steady.

"I'm sorry," he repeats, and pretends not to see the tears gathering on her small face.

* * *

 ** _objective c: crash Parent's Day_**

Again, this incessant hammering on the door. Gilgamesh casts an irritated glare at the ceiling, but readily swings his legs off the couch to admit pigtail girl waiting at the door, hammer in hand.

"Good," she says, rather bossily. "I was hoping you'd be here."

"Hello, mongrel," Gilgamesh says dubiously. "And why should I grace you with my presence?"

"Because I've been carrying out what you said," she says, a spark in her voice, "and letting everyone know that they're mongrels for you. And because you're much better than most of the adults I know, and because you say you're an ancient king and I'm actually starting to kind of believe you."

"Hm," Gilgamesh says, unimpressed and ready to close the door on her face.

"I was hoping..." she hesitates. "There's Parent's Day coming up at my school..." the little girl shifts from foot to foot. "...and I really wanted someone to come with me. Could you maybe, just maybe, come along?"

Gilgamesh shrugs. "Sounds boring and hardly worthy of my time. I'm not your parent, small child. Find someone else."

"But it's always me sitting by myself, without a family," she cries, "Kirei never comes to Parent's Day-" and Gilgamesh blinks, suddenly interested. He can just _imagine_ Kirei's horror when he finds out that Gilgamesh had shown up at Parent's Day and proceeded to horribly embarrass everyone in the process. Besides, a classroom full of young children is the perfect place to nudge impressionable young minds in the wrong direction.

His red eyes flash and he tilts his chin upwards.

"Let us see, then," he says, "exactly how the plebeians react to meeting the one king who rules this earth."

* * *

Kirei has no inkling of this until two weeks later, when Rin flips her dark pigtails over her shoulder and calls him a mongrel.

"Rin," he says, stopping in his tracks. His voice is deathly serious. "Where did you learn that word?"

"Oh," says Rin. "Your friend. You know, the one that likes hiding in the basement and has a wife that's like a storm?"

And then she proceeds to nonchalantly mention the fact that she forged his signature on several legal documents because this strange golden man told her to disregard all authority. Apparently she doesn't need his help now. Also, she now calls all her friends mongrels because technically _everyone_ 's a mongrel.

"Kirei?" The little girl asks, puzzled. "Why is your face all pale?"

Kirei merely gapes at her, speechless for once.

"Also he came to Parent's Day," Rin adds. "He upstaged _everyone,_ because he's a Babylonian king from the beginning of time and no accountant or lawyer stood a chance against him. I'm pretty sure he started a new cult, and a few people were sent to the hospital, but I think everyone had fun. My friends all stay out of my way now. Also, what's vodka?"

Kirei can hardly draw breath.

* * *

 ** _objective d: plot marriage proposals_**

"Gilgamesh!" Kirei strides through the church, voice raised, and is met only with the sound of his voice. "Hello? Gilgamesh?"

Even the basement is empty, the golden-haired king nowhere to be found. Kirei, upon searching the vicinity, discovers the edge of a small piece of paper tucked beneath one of the couch's cushions. With an exasperated look, he quickly yanks it out and begins to read what looks like a very, very long list.

 _Launching weapons not a good idea, met with prompt incineration. Ten years to come up with a fool-proof plan._

 _Re-bring up the fact that she is allowed to call the greatest king who ever lived by the name 'Gil.' Also the fact that marrying a king bumps up her status from 'mongrel' to 'semi-mongrel.' Also the fact that as a close-range warrior with a long-range archer, we'd be unstoppable when as rulers of the world._

 _Amass a zoo full of wild lions running amok and present them to her as pets for an engagement gift._

 _Girls usually like diamonds, so give that a shot and give her heaps of precious diamond things (chance of success is low)_

 _Take over the world so I can get her whatever she wants._

 _Future wife seems to love food (how else is she going to keep up her energy?) maybe fund the world's largest buffet table as bait and then promise her she can eat it if she marries me._ _If that doesn't work, promising her a lifetime supply of all-you-can-eat sushi is also an option._ _Note to self: only use as last resort because the King of Heroes is usually above bribery._

 _Wait, isn't most of this bribery?_

 _"_ Kirei." Gilgamesh's voice is decidedly unamused, startling the priest out of his focus. "Give that back."

"I had no idea you were so pointlessly invested in this particular woman," Kirei observes lightly, his face unreadable as he hands Gilgamesh the paper.

"What is there not to be invested in?" Gilgamesh shrugs. "Besides, I know for a _fact_ that she loves buffet tables and wild lions, and she'll have an endless supply of both if she's mine!"

"You seriously think Saber would marry you for all-you-can-eat sushi?" the words fly out of Kirei's mouth before he can stop them.

Gilgamesh's face darkens. "How _dare_ you-"

"Anyway," Kirei breaks in, "that's not the point. The point is that you broke into an elementary school masquerading as me, attempted to teach little children how to order alcoholic drinks, proceeded to start a new cult, sent several people to the hospital, ate all their food, destroyed a few walls, and then left."

"Oh, _that_ ," Gilgamesh returns, relieved at the change in subject. "Why is it that whenever _I_ have fun, it's always _wrong_?"

* * *

 ** _objective e: take over the world_**

But now Gilgamesh has moved onto greater things, like obtaining a yacht and taking over the world.

His first move is to generate a pile huge diamonds to sell so he can get the money necessary for a yacht. He approaches the finest jeweler in Fuyuki with a diamond that is the size of both of his clenched fists. Although the jeweler is suspicious, he quickly realizes that the stone is, in fact, the largest diamond to ever exist and is in perfect condition, resulting in a jewel worth millions and millions of dollars. Oh, says the young stranger who brought in the diamond, I see.

Within a week, reports pop up from countries around the world who claim to have found the largest diamond to ever exist, and all of them in striking, never-before-seen colors. Gilgamesh watches and smiles, because now his newly created bank account houses hundreds of millions of dollars from idiots who thought they were buying the largest diamond ever.

Yet this is not enough for him; he is going to be a billionaire. It's easy enough for him to spin precious gems out of thin air, but he suspects that the price of diamonds will drop for a while - instead, he summons the oldest artifacts from Babylon and for some reason scholars seem to find them priceless, even if they're as trivial as a water bowl. He generates a new collection for various museums around the world, who are only too happy to buy a never-before-seen collection of Babylonian wares in pristine condition. And, just for play, he draws a few trifles from the Gate of Babylon and puts them up for auction; as it turns out, people are willing to pay obscene amounts of money for mythical swords and other objects that they never could have dreamed existed. More than enough for him to collect a tidy sum of about five billion.

By now he has more than enough for a yacht and a lifetime supply of nearly everything he and his future wife could ever want. It's beneath him to sink to the currency of mongrels, but some things cannot be helped.

Perfect, says Gilgamesh, and sets sail.

* * *

The world economy teeters uncertainly as the price of diamonds plummets, and Gilgamesh sails merrily around the world. He has more than enough time to plot and plan a few things: his impending re-attempt at a marriage proposal, and also how he's going to take over the world.

The second objective is obviously more more easy to accomplish. All he has to do is force all the most powerful countries to submit to him, and the rest will follow suit. And, he thinks with a flash of triumph, once Saber is re-summoned for the next Holy Grail War, he'll be waiting for her with the world in his palm.

* * *

Kirei watches the news on what used to be Gilgamesh's couch, a cup of red wine in his fingers. He doesn't particularly _like_ the taste, but it seems callous to let Gilgamesh's stores of fine wine go to waste.

 _Numerous sightings of a yacht have been reported,_ the female announcer says, straightening her papers with a certain gravity, _and it seems that a new persona has entered the global stage. On Tuesday several online videos were released by the owner of the yacht, who, according to some calculations, may be the seventy-eighth richest person in the world. These videos immediately went viral, but few world leaders regard their message as a true threat; however, they are what seems to be the warning of an impending takeover. This billionaire, clad in golden armor, introduces himself as "the King of Heroes" who will "initiate immediate world domination" and advises that we "make haste to surrender." The consensus seems to be that this is all an elaborate hoax, but how far can this go?_

"So," Kirei says aloud, "Gilgamesh has figured out how to use the Internet."

* * *

Five years later the world is a wasteland, but at least Gilgamesh managed to buy himself a private island in the middle of the Pacific before it all went downhill.

After all, convincing one country that another has attacked it isn't too hard, and then all that is left is to sit back and watch the mongrels destroy each other, nations falling like dominoes. And they had believed he wouldn't make good on his word!

He also somehow bribed several zoos into allowing him to raise lions on his island against international regulations. Pah, Gilgamesh thought, who cares when there are are no governments left? Transportation had proved tricky, but, as Gilgamesh liked to say, anything is possible when you sprinkle money on it!

And in his sweeping gesture of charity, he also arranged for Kirei's transportation to the private island. After all, things just wouldn't be the same without Kirei disapproving of everything he does.

Thanks to Gilgamesh, the African lion population has recovered from previous endangerment. Managing a wild lion population on an island is quite a challenge - it had involved raising populations of complementary prey to keep the lions happy - but Gilgamesh doesn't particularly mind.

He has also hired a small army of mongrels to keep the island running for his amusement. The world's finest chefs and bakers have been rescued from Armageddon to become personal cooks for the man who brought it about. He's done his research - here is only the best of the best, the top of the lot, to keep his life absolutely perfect: from lion trainers to architects to fashion designers, all of them had jumped at the chance to escape the mass havoc he had wreaked on the world.

None of them knew about the wild lions running amok, but that only adds to the hilarity.

* * *

 ** _objective f: acquire Saber_**

Ten years is nothing next to the eternity he has existed, but somehow it has left him wiser.

Saber is the one thing he does not have. He has rescued an entire population of wild lions for her sake, and perhaps even taken over the world so that she might be his, but this is all he will ever be able to do. When he had ruled, he had taken everything he desired with the brutality of a seasoned conqueror. As much as he might surround himself with petty luxuries to convince himself otherwise, this is all he will ever be.

He has always thought himself extraordinary with how thoroughly he had given himself to pursuit of pleasure and power, how easily he had broken free of the chains that bind men and mobs and kings. The likes of him have never existed before, and even the strongest fall before his might. And then people stop mattering - those who cannot resist him are not interesting - and they all become his subjects, to be done with as he pleases.

Now he exploits the cracks of the world until it breaks beneath his grip, until he raises the broken shards to the light and picks out the only things he deems worth saving. For these low-lifes are beneath him and always were, for he has always taken what he wanted with no consequences. He rules atop a golden throne, his gaze brilliant, blinding, and deadly like the sun, and there is no place he'd rather be.

Yet that truth is inescapable: he has always known that everything he has ever done has been against everything she stands for.

She is beautiful and damned, a vision in silver with a gleaming sword raised to the air. She chases a illusory dream and destroys herself in the process, always searching. This is what happens when a ruler tries to serve her people. This is the path of a fallen king, she who singlehandedly shoulders her nation's despair.

She is wrong, and this he knows too. She spent her life on things that never existed, gave her soul for nothing.

And yet when she sets foot on this earth again, her brilliant emerald gaze will harden with outrage at his wrongs. She will think him a tyrant - which he is, but who can fault him for crushing ants? - and a conqueror who must be destroyed. She will find him, her sword at the ready, and she will attempt to incinerate him and bring the world to what she deems peace. She doesn't realize that this _is_ the most blissful peace mongrels could ever expect, that left to themselves they destroy their own, that their greatest purpose is to glorify his name. After he has purified his domain, cleansed it in darkness and flame, Gilgamesh will rule over a kind of peace the world has never before known. If she only allowed herself to stop serving those who were beneath her, she might know happiness.

This, she will refuse to accept.

He will offer her his world, everything he has so painstakingly built on this island: he will say, lay down your sword, be mine, and eat all the finest delicacies you could possibly ever want-

-and she will furiously level at her weapon at his nose and say that he doesn't understand what he has done, that her honor as a knight will not allow him to escape unscathed. He can throw anything at her, from charm to weapons to sushi, and still they will re-enact the scene of ten years ago. And so the next time he sees the swordswoman in silver, they will be enemies.

If he breaks her into submission, he will have crushed the last good thing that lives in his heart - then he will have stepped across the line into true tyranny. For there is no good, no evil, in the face of his absolute power; yet even he recognizes that she embodies the pure, righteous hope he would be despicable to destroy, even if that is the only way he might have her. She would sacrifice everything she has ever had to make fractured dreams whole again, and he shatters them into pieces with impunity, for the dreams of mongrels have never mattered to him.

As in his nature, he desires the one he may never have; she refuses the one ideal which might have been her salvation.

And if they will face each other as foes, let that day come -

\- for he tires of waiting.

 _Fin_


End file.
